Gary the cat

I had to have my cat put to sleep on Friday. And this is going to be a quick post, because I am still having a difficult time coping with the reality of it all. Today has been my hardest day dealing with his absence, and so I did not even get out of bed until 11. For some pets are just animals they have around. But Gary was a person to me. He had this amazing personality, and attitude. I have had him for thirteen years. He was my best friend through moving out of state, breaking up with my fiance, meeting my husband, and having my first child. I still have not figured out how to live without him by my side, or on my lap. I am so very sad. My heart is broken.

Lola

Well, I think I basically ended my friendship with Lola this morning. Amazing, since we have been friends for over 13 years now. We had not talked for the last two months, after having fought in May. Back then I had told her how I had put space in our relationship because I was tired of being taken for granted and for our friendship being so one sided. She wanted to know why I did not call her anymore, and I told her that she did not listen to anything I had to say, so I did not have any reason to call. And that whenever she called I was happy to listen to what was going on with her, but I did not feel the need to say anything about my life anymore because I was not being heard or supported. Needless to say, that did not go over well, and I got my ass chewed for it in three different phone calls. After that I told her I needed some space, to think about things and try to let things go. So we have not talked for the last two months. When I did get in contact on Monday, I was pretty casual, just calling to see how she was doing. Well, this did not go over well either. She emailed me saying that she was just "getting over me" when I called. And she did not want to go through the process of working things out unless I could "commit to our friendship long-term". Like Carebear so nicely put it, does she want a promise ring? I guess her and I broke up two months ago, and now I am trying to get back together with her. Anyway, I wrote her back this morning basically telling her that she is asking for more than I can give right now, that I was just looking to get back in touch and see how she was doing, but I could not give any more than that. I predict this will not go over very well.... And I think I just signed the death certificate to our friendship.

These last two months have been pretty nice not having to worry about her friendship and the guilt that often came with it, so I know that it is the right time to move on. But I can't help but be sad. She was my closest friend through many things, and the maid of honor at my wedding. I am sad that our friendship could end so bitterly because I finally told her how I was feeling about a few things. I even fought respectfully, never calling her any names, and putting issues unduly on her. I just talked about how I was feeling and why. I even let it go when she yelled at me so loud that she woke up her kids one night, or that she called me some very mean names, and often hit below the belt. It saddens me that I could be there for her in ways she could not for me, and I could forgive her for things in a way she could not for me.

Today I am saying goodbye to what was a big part of my life for a long time. I am thankful I am able to see past this one experience, and just remember some of the very good times we had together.

Lola, I wish you only the very best.

Project Runway is Back!

Project Runway is seriously one of those shows I anticipate for months. I watch the reruns 5 or 6 times to just try and get my fill until it comes back on again. And it is BACK! While I have to admit that tonights show was a little disappointing, I am just so glad to be seeing some new faces, and some new designs. I have already picked my favorite, which is Korto. While she did not win tonight, she did one hell of a design (in yellow, my favorite color even). But I do have to say this... I am DONE with contestants with catch phrases. I thought I was going to gag every time I heard fierce last season. And if girlicious becomes the same way, I will fly to New York to shoot Blayne myself.

All in all, I can sleep well tonight knowing the weeks to come will be filled with a little bit more fashion.

Summer days

So instead of complaining about the summer heat, which is what I have mostly been doing this summer, I have decided to try and embrace it a little, and let the sweat come.... So Munchi and I spent the morning learning how to water the lawn. Here are some pictures:

Munchi and his diet

So, we have had to put Munchi on a calorie supplement program, at least for the next month until his next doctors appointment. He continues to fall down on the growth chart in weight, while his height remains in the 50th percentile. In theory, this sounds like a great plan... We give him a Pediasure every night before bed and add a flavorless powder to his milk and applesauce during the day. Great! However..... Pediasure would cost us an additional $10 a week, which may not sound like a lot but with Dirk out of a job, finding the additional $50 a month is not easy. But fine, we will do it for the short term, for our sons overall health. But the powder is a whole other issue. He will not eat anything we put it in. So much for tasteless... Or maybe it changes the texture, I do not know. What I do know is our son is so special that he can actually tell something tasteless and odorless has been added to his food. That reminds me of that part in the Princess Bride, where they are fighting over the poisoness wine, where the poison is both odorless and tasteless, but the main guy has built up an immunity to it. My son has done the same, except his is an immunity to eating anything that contains it. Anyway, we are starting today by sprinkling a little bit of this powder in EVERYTHING liquid that he eats. We have to get four tablespoons in him everyday, and we are looking at adding it in by the teaspoon. To add to the bliss, I have been reading the Baby Whisper for Toddlers. Overall, an okay book, but the section on eating makes a big stink about how the parents issues and anxiety about eating can be picked up by the kids, and cause their eating issues. How we should never try to get them to take one more bite when they are already done, or make them sit in their highchair longer than they are willing, etc.... What the hell!! Someone explain to me how my anxiety over his eating is not supposed to show when he was born 3 pounds, and I had to ensure he ate a high calorie diet from day one just to get him out of the hospital. Then, just as his weight is climbing on the growth charts, he moves from formula to milk and solid foods, and his weight begins to dip again. To the point where I now have to give him calorie supplements, and possibly go to a occupational therapist. Sure, in a dream world, meal time would be calm and peaceful, we would offer Munchi food ,enjoy our meal, and not worry about how much he ate, and the fact that he only eats bread and applesauce. I would love to live in this dream world. But instead, I live in one where I am breaking my budget on supplements, and sneaking powders into foods I can only hope Munchi will eat, and somehow have to show no concern or anxiety over food. Not to mention the food issues in my own life I already bring to the table. So much for being the perfect parent. I am already well on the road to screwing my kid up!

Survival

My grandpa came home from the hospital on Saturday evening, having only spent one night there. We were lucky.... He had a minor stroke, and has loss minimal functioning in his right hand. A physical therapist is going to be going to his house a few times to help him with exercises that might help strengthen it over time, as well as work with him on walking properly with his cane and ensuring the house is a safe environment to prevent him from falling. I am so thankful to still have him around, and that his quality of life was not diminished in any way.

Otherwise, we are surviving around here. I hate the heat, and am already begging for winter. Dirk and I have started our weight loss competion, and while he is currently beating me, I have a plan for kicking his ass soon. I have already lost 6 pounds in the last two weeks (Dirk lost 7). As I had suspected, I was denied medical coverage based on my wieght. But to make matters worse, Munchi's and Dirk's rates went up from the original estimate by 3 times, because of previous medical history (Munchi's low birth rate and Dirk's recent surgery), making it more expensive than COBRA. So we are sticking with $1300 a month for now.

An old boss of mine called me about a position at his company, that he could pretty much guarantee me.... And I am considering it, even though Dirk would prefer I didn't. I know he is wanting to start his own business, but we have not had a steady income for three months, and our reserves are getting quite small, especially with medical coverage and mortgage equaling more than 3k a month. While I am not loving the idea of going back to work, I am loving the idea of steady income, and benefits. But I know that means Dirk would stay home with Munchi and be the one watching Munchi's friend Peanut Butter in August. I think that is going to be a hard sell. So, lots of praying is happening in my house right now, as I try to figure out what is ultimately best for us.